Stories

Here are the stories I promised last week. I'll get to what I did over Spring break by Wednesday.

So I took the bus/MAX (For those of you from CA: think BART above ground. From those from Grenoble: think tram) to the airport. On the MAX I had to sit in the senior/disabled section because I had all my bags. It wasn't that big of a deal though, because there were no seniors or disabled people. When I got on there was a girl a few years older than me sitting next to me, and a guy in a rent-a-cop outfit napping across from me.

At the next stop, a larger man of the African-American persuasion with no teeth got on and bellowed to the rent-a-cop "HEY, you can't be sleepin' on da MAX! You migh' miss yo stop!" Rent-a-cop startled awake and claimed he wasn't sleeping, just resting his eyes, and Mr. No-Teeth sat next to him and started talking to the girl next to me.

Apparently he had seen her at the courthouse this morning and wanted to know what she had done wrong. "Well, I have to be in court on a failure to provide ID charge, but I was supposed to go to the Gresham court house, not the Portland one."

After a discussion about the differences between Portland and Gresham and their courthouses, No-Teeth went on to explain why he was at the court that morning:

Well, it's a bogus charge. They arrested me for brandishing a fire arm. But I told 'em, I wasn't the one they wanted, I only took the gun out because there were some no-good-doers hasslin' this lady outside the restaurant I just come out of. You see, I has to carry a gun on me at all times for my job as I carry a large sum of money on my person and need it for safety. But they didn't listen to me, and they took my gun away from me, arrested me, and made me spend a night in jail. Well I got myself a lawyer, even though they said they'd provide me with one. I don't need no court-appointed lawyer, I makes enough money to hire my own. So today I was at court and they wanted me to plea to community service so it wouldn't go to trial. But I says, hell no, I ain't doin' no damn community service. It's a bogus charge, I tells them. But they don't listen, so it's goin to trial now, but I'll be damned if I get community service, I won't show up. They already gave me my gun back, how are they gonna make me comply? I ain't doin no community service. It was a bogus charge.

Unfortunately for me, the girl he was talking to left, and all I could think was "Please Mr. No-Toothed-Gun-Man, please don't talk to me." Oh, but he did:

NTGM: You're gettin away from here aren't ya?
Me: Yup.
NTGM: Where ya goin?
Me: San Francisco.
NTGM: SANFRANCISCO!!! WHY you goin there?
Me: Well, I have family down there. I'm visiting them.
NTGM: Well, that's OK I guess. I went to San Francisco once. And I tell you, it changed my life.
Me: Wow.
NTGM: Yeah man, I was down there a couple years ago and I went to this bar. I ordered a beer and I looked around, and I tells you, all I saw were guys looking at me with LUST in their eyes! I tells you, I never been so scared in all my life. Now, I knows exactly what women feel like when they goes out. After that trip, I became a feminist. I tell you, I have nothin against the gays, they can do what they want, but me, I like women. Let me tell you, that trip changed my life."

Luckily, after that story, his stop came and I had the section to myself (Rent-A-Cop escaped sometime between the court and SF tales). So I'm sitting there for a few stops, and then this older guy with a cane and a limp come on the MAX. Remember, there are three other empty seats in the section and I have a suitcase, messenger bag, and shoulder bag with me. The old guy limps up to me, looks me directly in the eyes, and grumbles "You're sitting in MY seat." I looked around, and was like, "Oh, uh, sorry, I'll move" and gathering my stuff when this lady from the back of the car yells, "AW GRUMPY, why you gotta make her move?!?! There's plenty o seats round her that I sees open. You sit yourself in one of them!" At this point, I'm frozen, half sitting, half standing, with my bags all ready to move across the aisle, but he hobbles over to the other side and sits down. For the next few stops he just glared at me. Then transit security came on the MAX and he calmed down until his stop.

Well, there you go. My tales through public transit. Interesting rides are fun, but I think I much prefer the ones where I can just sit and read my book and not have to talk to anyone carrying a weapon. :)